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[Watch This Space III]

Ever been hit with a knuckleduster? Well I have as of last night and I can't say I recommend it. After watching the Carling Cup Final last night my two mates and I went to a karaoke bar where, unbeknown to us, there were a bunch of pissed up Blues [Birmingham City] fans with knuckledusters looking for a fight to outnumber and batter some unarmed people with weapons.

In case any of my American followers were wondering the Carling Cup Final is a football [soccer] competition held at the countries biggest football [soccer] stadium which, as my English followers will know, gives every dickhead from all around the country the urge to fight. I'll be getting back to my to my normal posts once my head gets back to it's original size.

....and they wonder why we'll never host the World Cup.

.... the first rule is you do not talk about this review.

Onto my third classic and retro movie, a movie which is easily one of my favorites and is one of the greatest movies ever made. I know that cover the 'classic' part, and although the movie is considered quite modern it is now 12-years old making it (in my books) retro. Today I shall be reviewing the 1999 classic, Fight Club.

The movie stars an un-named Edward Norton as a lonely, bored insomniac who feels his life is pointless and lacks any real direction. After losing all of his possessions in a explosion at his apartment, Norton phones up his 'single-serving' soap salesman friend Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) for a drink. After getting rather philosophical at the bar about the true reason for living Norton and Pitt decide to fight each other, after a few bouts the duo start to have people want to join in with their fighting and thus start a 'Fight Club'

That description will have done the movie no justice whatsoever, but that is about as far as I can get into it without spoiling the movie for any body who hasn't seen it. What I can say is that this movie will make you think about what life means to you an by the time the credits role you will immediately realise why this movie is such a big deal. On top of this, the  movie has an almost unlimited potential for quotes with every other sentence being note worthy; a few example include:

"We're a generation of men raised by women, I'm wondering if another woman is really what we need?"
"I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect"
"If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?"
"Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted."
"I am Jack's complete lack of surprise"
"The first rule of Project Mayhem is that you don't ask questions, sir."

Like I said I'm really quite limited on what I can say without ruining the movie, so check it out yourself  and I won't have to worry about it.

...his name is Robert Paulson, his name is Robert Paulson,  his name is Robert Paulson....

.... it's not bad, it's just drawn that way

Day two of my classic retro movie reviews and I shall be reviewing one of the movies I used to watch every day when I was a kid, which was coincidentally released the same year I was born. Who Framed Roger Rabbit is one of the all time great movies and was one of the first movies to bridge the gap between the normal Hollywood movies of its day and the cartoons which were tremendously popular in the late eighty's.

The movie itself is based around a cartoon star, Roger Rabbit, who is accused of murdering one of L.A's most powerful men, Marvin Acme. It is at this point washed up detective, Eddie Valiant, works with Rodger to help clear his name although he does so reluctantly because a it was cartoon character killing his brother that caused his drinking problems and eventually bankruptcy.

For those few of you who haven't seen this movie must be wondering how you can take movie which such a bleak storyline and make one of history's greatest comedy. The answer is simple; just add some cutting edge (for the time) animation, a world class cast and as many cartoon references as you can.

This movie wouldn't have been anywhere near as good if it wasn't for Bob Hoskins and Christopher Lloyd, not to mention Charles Fleischer who manages to make Rodger Rabbit hilarious without having to rip-off any other well known cartoons. If you've already seen this movie I hope this review will tempt you into watching it again, and if you haven't seen this movie then this should be a the top of your list.

... don't worry, I won't judge you for perving on Jessica Rabbit.

... it's not a question of where, but when?

As my loyal (and sexy) followers will know today marks the start of my classic retro movie reviews, so you might wonder why I've chosen to review a movie that isn't old enough to be considered retro (1998) or good enough to be considered classic? 'Cus I can that's why, besides I fucking loved Lost in Space when it came out.

For those few of you that haven't seen this movie, the storyline is based around a now burnt-out and resource less Earth society who send a top scientist and his family on a ten year trip to the nearest habitable planet to supervise the construction of a 'hypergate'. As is usual in movies, this never went as planned because of 'terrorists' and they end up *drumroll* Lost in Space.

The key problem that irritated me in this movie (aside from the poor acting) is the apparent lack of any real drama. By this I mean that no matter what goes wrong they always have some sort of eccentric way round it, so when the peril comes about instead of getting all tense and exited (as with most movies) you just end up wondering what ridiculous plot hole they are going to use to counter the problem. Examples include:

Robot programmed to kill - Find handy remote for robot
On crash course with sun - Fly though sun at hyperspeed
Robot [without remote] programmed to kill - Use power of love
Family dies in space crash - Reverse time on that bitch

As a matter of fact one of the characters in this movie full on dies three times and is still alive when the credits role thanks to these plot holes. My wife also said that Lacey Chabert had an irritating voice and that she should hurry up and die, which she did [twice], but if a woman can increase her hotness from a four [click to see] to a straight up nine [click to see] in a only few years then she can do whatever she wants.

... but it does have a kick ass theme tune.'ll put hairs on your chest

I haven't had a chance to watch any new movies or play any new games on account of my hectic weekend, although I did see Burke and Hare at some point over the weekend but I wasn't really paying attention to it. Tonight I plan on having a retro film night with my wife so be prepared for some serious nostalgia in next review. Do any my sexy followers have any retro movie suggestions for me to add to the playlist?

Until then I'll just leave you with my favorite Robot Chicken sketch. Enjoy.

.... Yours Sincerely,  Dr. Trouser Snake

[Watch This Space II]

Sorry I haven't had chance to put a new post on either of my blogs or check out any of my followers as I had to go up up to the antenatal ward with my wife because our doctor sent us for an emergency ultrasound. Turns out everything is okay but it's better to be safe than sorry.

Will be getting back to my normal blogging self by the end of tonight, but until then I'll leave you with this track that I found on one of my old CD's which is still fucking awesome!

...born to fertilise!

.... and I didn't even prepare a speech

Award or Perfume?
I don't know about everybody else but I just find award shows to be the most tacky sickening thing on TV, especially when you add the likes of James 'The Fat Twat' Cordan [click the link]. I guess what I'm trying to say in my own special way is, did anybody else watch the BRIT awards?

Award shows are bad enough without having to invite Americans along to pretend they care that they've been nominated for a BRIT award. Now don't get me wrong I haven't jumped on the 'lets all hate America' bandwagon which seems to be very popular nowadays, but I just don't see why the likes of Rihanna and Justin Bieber would come all the way down here to see artists they've never even heard of get an award they only found out exsisted ten minutes ago.

The other thing that irritated me is that in an attempt to try and gather some British pride they got Dame Vivienne Westwood to design the award, which was a stupid idea really given that Vivienne Westwood is a designer of 'punk' clothing, resulting in an award that looks like a bottle of Geri Halliwell perfume.

What I can say about us British is that we know how to put on a show, even if you're not a fan of Plan B or Tinie Tempah you should watch the videos to the end just to see how over the top our award ceremonies are:

Plan B at the BRIT Awards '11

Tinie Tempah at the BRIT Awards '11

... God save The Queen?

.... saying NO to pop music since 1988

Well I've spent all day at my mother's with my little [in age not size due to her pasty addiction] sister telling me just how great T-Pain's new song is and how my music is just people screaming. This came as a surprise to me partly because my sister stopped eating something for long enough to form a coherent sentence, but mostly because in this day and age people still think that they can accurately predict what music somebody listens to based on their attire alone. It is for this reason I give you a follow up to my Top 5 Bands That Deserve To Be Massive Aren't with my:

Yet Another 5 Bands That Deserve To Massive But Aren't:

1. Rusko - Christopher Mercer is a DJ who goes by the name of 'Rusko' out of Leeds in England, when he first started in 2007 he stated that he was going to work away the 'darker side' of dubstep. Since then Rusko has remixed various singles and worked with artists such as Rihanna and even Britney Spears.

2. Enter Shikari - This band have had a lot of coverage locally but never really managed to make it mainstream. Enter Shikari have released 2 albums since forming in 2003 and even reached the number 16 in the UK album charts.

3. Kasabian - This band has been going for over twelve years and are currently working on their 4th album. As with Enter Shikari, Kasabian have been quite popular in the UK for some time but have never really made it anywhere else.

4. The Kills - The Kills are a hybrid American/British band with a female lead singer, since forming they have produced three albums and have had one of their songs feature on the official soundtrack for The Losers

5. The Rapture - Out of New York City, The Rapture have been making 'dance-punk' music for almost 13 years. I hadn't even heard of this band my self until one of their songs was chosen as the theme to perhaps the greatest television show ever made.

.... who the hell is T-pain anyway?

.... not suitable for low gravity ingestion

I'm fresh back from the cinema on the day of a movie's public release with a sparkling new review for you all. Of course given that it is Valentines Day I'm left with very little viewing choice, fortunately for me amongst the swarms of CGIs and 'A Little Bit of Heavens' there was one remaining shred of hope for those still amongst the living.

'Paul' is the new release from Universal Pictures and is based around the journey of two British sci-fi nerds around America's many 'extraterrestrial hotspots', however along the way events take a surprising turn when they pick up a smart-mouth stoner alien hitchhiker by the name of Paul. 

The movie stars my favorite comedy duo, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, who have ditched their 'family safe' jokes and have gone back to their glorious foul-mouthed nerdy roots which made them famous in Spaced. Voicing Paul is long time stoner and comedian, Seth Rogen, who has also ditched his 'Monsters vs Aliens' humor in lieu of a more 'Pinapple Express' take.

As well as the amazing line up, this movie is also steeped in classic nerd nostalgia and without giving away the story line I counted many references to Men in Black, Back to the Future, Alien, E.T, and Indiana Jones as well as many, many references to Star Wars .

This movie gets a great two thumbs up with a bonus thumb for all the retro Sci-Fi references and another bonus thumb for the casting; giving this movie an amazing never-before-seen FOUR THUMBS UP!

... somebody needs to help me, I don't even have four thumbs

[Insert Love/Money Here]

Latter on I shall be reviewing which ever movie I end up watching in the cinema after spending my hard earned money feeding the corparate machine. "You're not forever alone, Obiwan?" I know that it makes sense that I would be because of the sattire and general distain for human life, but what can I say, chicks dig bastards and I am most definately a bastard.

Until that time I'm going to give you my 'Love of Profit' article about the real valentines day from my other more-formal blog, and if you're feeling that down then you can at least look at this very pretty blog and pretend that somebody loves you....

Love of Profit
Why do we celebrate Valentines day? Every year on February 14th I tell all those close to me the real story behind Valentines day only to be told that I am a 'misery-arse' and that I need to 'cheer up'. This year is my first year with a blog so with this post I aim spread my message of hostility all over the world.

The Original Valentines Day:
Although Saint Valentine was a real person who lived during the 2nd century, Valentines day is not actually named for him. Instead 'Valentine' is a pseudonym for all unknown Christian martyrs used by Pope Gelasius in 496 in implementing a day to remember the fallen Christian soldier, so in reality when you're asking somebody to 'be your valentine' you are actually asking them to give their lives for a noble Christian cause. This is still well known in the Catholic church which is why in 1969 Pope Paul VI, appalled with the commericailisation of this historic day, ordered  the removal of Valentines day from the Christian Calender.

How it all went Wrong:
As I mentioned Valentines day was never about love, so how did it become so? Well the first recorded incident of  a Valentines day day as we know it today was during the English Renaissance, where world renown poet Geoffrey Chaucer wrote 'Parlement of Foules' which reads; "For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate".

Google's Valentine Logo
Valentines Day as We Know It:
Although Chaucer had wrote this poem, it was still only the upper class and social elite who were even aware of his work, so at what point did it become the Valentines day you and I celebrate? Well believe it all not Valentines day wasn't publicly known worldwide until the early 19th century. Valentines day only became  so popular after the boom of the UK's greeting card industry in the late 18th century and was created to fill gaps in profit between Christmas and Easter, a trend which quickly spread across Europe and to the US.

So there you have it, although the Romans first created Valentines day, it was an Englishmen who first made it about romance, and the British who made it about profit. Every year the profit form Valentines day trade increases with last year totaling £1.3 in the UK alone, with traditional cards going out of fashion in lieu of bigger more expensive gifts (mostly perfume or jewelry).

-Profiteering or innovation at it's best?
-Who is to blame? The companies or the suckers who are willing to pay?

...if ingested seek a mortician.

Back to another movie review because I still haven't played a game good or bad enough to merit a review since the last one. I thought I'd continue along the same lines of my last review with a movie steeped in violence, gore and stupid people who love getting cut up. So I present to you The Collector, which is about a thief who attempts to rob a valuable jewel from a booby trapped house when he thinks all the residents are out, so basically Home Alone.

"Home Alone? Hold on, Obiwan. You said it was steeped in violence and gore.". Well actually I said it was 'basically' Home Alone, unlike Home Alone these traps are a little less 'paint tin to the crotch' and a little more 'guilitine to the face'.

The violence in this movie isn't even specific to humans, as there is even a part where a CAT gets it's legs melted off with acid then cut in half. This violence even surpasses any attempt at logic come the scene when somebody gets a hole cut into their stomach just so 'The Collector' can force a jar full of cockroaches into their intestines.

Do Watch This Movie:
- If you enjoy enjoy violence
- Thought Home Alone needed a little more gore
- Consider storyline to be optional in a movie.

Do Not Watch This Movie:
- If you have a soul.

...  at least hell is warm and all my friends will be there.

.... but may cause impotance

It was suggested to me that I review some 'New Music', the only problem with that is [as you may have guessed] have a very specific taste in music. This taste is not a for a particular age of music or even a particular genre, my problem is that I am in rare in only liking good unique music as opposed to the 'songs' forced on me by mainstream media, yes I'm talking to you Gaga!

I thought the obvious solution to this would be to just review some bands that I like, but to save me just listing various anime theme-songs and all the SoaD tracks off my ipod I thought I'd stir things up a bit. So here a my: 

Top 5 Bands Which Deserve To Be Massive But Aren't:

1. Metronomy - This band have been around for over twelve years and have worked with the like of Gorillaz, Klaxons, Franz Ferdinand and Goldfrapp. Even with over 3 unique albums and over 20 remixes the word Metronomy only seems to cause confusion when uttered.

2. Be Your Own Pet - BYOP is a girl fronted punk band out of Nashville, Tennessee although they were first signed under a British record label. Unfortunately this band split up after their final tour of England in 2008, but lead singer Jemima Pearl released her solo album 'Break it up' the following year.

 3. Hadouken - This band make 'New Rave' music under their own record label 'Surface Noise Records' and have released 2 albums since forming in 2006 with a third on it's way shortly. This band deserves an extra bit of respect as New Rave is hard to pull of without it sounding like noise.

4. Magnetic Man - I was unsure about putting Magnetic Man in as they alrady have a very strong fan base, so even though their success has been minimal they have already completed a sell out UK tour. Although small right now I'm sure Magnetic Man will be massive.


5. Crystal Castles - This band is a Canadian electronic band and was one among many bands that took off during the MySpace phenomenom in the early 21st century. Since then Crystal Castles have become known for their 'chaotic' live shows and have thus earned some well deserved acclaim in the British indie culture.

Breifly I should mention that Gallows were going to make this list until researching them I found that they have in fact become massive across the Atlantic. I'm still embedding the video though because I love the lyrics to this song [Parental Advisory: May Not Be Suitable For Minors] 

.... you can go back to Gaga now.

.... as seen on the interwebs.

The intention for this post was to review Paranormal Activity II in my usual satirical way, however in order for me to be able to do this I would actually have to watch more than fifteen [painfully boring] minutes of Paranormal Craptivity II. Unfortunately I lack the masochistic tendencies required to do this, so instead I shall be reviewing I Spit on Your Grave.

'I Spit on Your Grave' is a movie which is exactly as nice as it sounds and for those of you unfamiliar with 70's Grindhouse thrillers (those of you with lives),  it is a remake of a 1978 movie by the same name where a sexy woman (for whatever reason) decides it would be a good idea to go and live alone in the middle of the forest packing only sexually provocative clothing and a lifetime supply of wine. Now back in the 70's mainstream violent movies like this were rare which is why it was banned from public release, but now we're in the twenty first century and I think the producers are fed up of watching [for lack of a better word] 'movies' like Saw and Hostel and decided to show them how rape and torture should be done.

The remake has lost a lot of it's Grindhouse feel but it still obeys the same go-to grindhouse story line:

1. Men fuck with Woman's head.
2. Men rape Woman
3. Men leave Woman for dead.
4. Woman not really dead.
5. Woman fucks with Men's heads.
6. Woman tortures Men.
7. Woman leaves Men for dead.
8. Men are really dead.

Would have shouted spoiler alert but I don't pretend to live in a society which is going to watch this film for it's 'storyline', you're are going to watch it for the rape and torture scenes just like I did.

It's hard to watch movies from on top of a pedestal anyway....

[Watch This Space]

Click to Enlarge
No new review today. I could lie to you and tell you that it's because work has me covering the Assange situation (which is true, but that's not the reason). The real reason is because I spent all of yesterday morning drinking, all day contemplating why Torres cost £50m (whilst drinking), and all night doing shots of tequila in a karaoke bar.

Why would somebody filled with such spite and malice be in a karaoke bar you ask? Making a dick of myself apparently, it turns out that my mates and I were the only non-professional singers in that gaffe last night.

So that this post isn't a complete waste of time I'm going to direct you to perhaps the prettiest blog going and a link to my other blog in case you're not already following.

Watch this space.....

.... and also performs well as a lubricant.

Instead of writing a review about a game or a movie I thought I'd stir things up a bit a write about a television show. No, none of those brain numbing sitcoms that try very desperately to be funny [Two and a Half Men] or any of that apparently 'hard-hitting' emotional drama [Desperate Housewives]. I thought instead I'd review something my country is actually quite good at making, in fact one of the only things my country's any good at making; documentaries.

Human Planet is a factual documentary and is exactly how it sounds as it based around the only creature capable of thriving anywhere in the world; Humans. The documentary is split into 8-parts and ranges from tribes who live on the sea, to villages in deserts where it never rains.

John Hurt
The program itself is quite humbling in that anybody who feels their life is hard only has to watch a single episode of Human Planet to realise exactly how fortunate they are. The program also tries to put 'animal lovers' in their place by showing them exactly why we are the dominant race on Earth, it does this quite easily by the end of the first episode in which you see an eighty-man deep sea diving using only a 50m long straw for air, or the man who lungs have adapted to pressurise oxygen allowing him to stay underwater for five minutes at a time.

Of course the program isn't perfect and it goes without saying that there were a few things that really irritated me. The only one of these things worth writing about was the narration as, with the absence of David Attenborough, John Hurt (incidentally the most stereotypically British man in the world) stepped up to fill his shoes. The only problem with this is Hurt has got to have the bleakest, most monotone voice in history and I'm sure if they made a bonus 'Depressing Planet' episode it would just be a biography of him.

So Human Planet get a very rare two thumbs up from me, with a bonus thumb up for originality; giving it an amazing THREE THUMBS UP. If you're British I definitely recommend checking it out on BBCi player, and if you're not British get your file sharing on it is the 21st century after all.

Good night, sweet Prince.

I blog to you today not in joy but in remorse, as my loyal HDD of three years finally died on me.

Goodbye HDD, we hardly knew ye...

....but may cause sterility in rabbits

I thought I would stir things up this time and write a review about something that is fairly new and has received quite a bit of prestige in the media. Now this leaves me with two choices; the Black Swan or The King's Speech. One of these movies is about some spoilt bitch who is constantly whining about being unable to perform properly, and of course the other is the Black Swan. Black Swan it is then.

The Black Swan is perhaps the bleakest piece of film making I have seen in all my years, even including The Road. The movie itself is a drama loosely based around Swan Lake, a ballet by Russian composer Tchaikovsky. For those of you unfamiliar with it Swan Lake is about a Princess who gets turned into a white swan and she needs the love of a Prince to transform back, unfortunately for her however her sister, the black swan, just so happens to be a bit of a slag and steals the prince away from her, at which point the princess overcome with grief throws herself of a cliff, promptly killing herself.

Yeah I know, depressing right? Well the director, Darren Aronofsky thought it wasn't nearly depressing enough and threw in his own bleak twist, which I won't say for fear of ruining the story. Oh and blood, lots of blood.

Tchaikovsky facepalming from beyond the grave
Now [as usual] there are a few things that just really wind me up about this movie, the first of which being the sound track; there are only so many times anybody can be expected to sit down and listen to Swan Lake without actively seeking ways to deafen themselves, watching this movie gives me flashback of having to listen to Spice World on infinite repeat thanks to my musically inept little sister. The other thing I just could not stop thinking about was how the cameraman just could not sit the fuck still through the duration of this movie, every other scene is the camera panning across somebody or spinning around them to a point when I wasn't sure if I was depressed or just nauseous.

What I can say about this movie is that Natalie Portman plays her role very well, as does Mila Kunis and Winona Ryder, that being said I always thought of ballet as something that would be very hard to do which can't be the case if two (albeit good) actresses can pick it up that quickly. Saving the best till last I should also mention the lesbian sex scene which I guess can also be described auto-cunnilingus. *Plus five pervert points to anybody who knows what that is without Googling it.*

Overall, I'd say watch it, as long as you don't mind having the urge to dance around your apartment like a spastic for a few days after it.