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Still Waiting on Zombie Cobain

[click hyperlinks for full effect]
It seems every time I turn on the TV or browse online I always end up checking the entertainment news (using the word news quite loosely) only to find that another old band that nobody ever really cared about or had any decent songs is reforming, which is sending all their now aging fan base in to explosive fits of nostalgia.

There's no fighting the system because the sheer mention of a band reforming is enough to sell out every tour date instantly, lest any fan miss out on seeing them live when they inevitably break up again. I mean sure I'm looking at this from a biased point of view because most of the bands that reform aren't really to my liking, so I'm posting this in the hope that one of these decent band might reform in a very butterfly effect sort of way.

Obi-wan's Top 5 Bands that should Reform 

1. Be Your Own Pet - I know this band has made to I think maybe another two of my 'Top 5s' but it doesn't stop them being good. This band out of Tennessee broke up after their final U.K tour in 2008 after making a couple of albums. Unfortunately, the lead singer Jemima Pearl decided she didn't need the band after all and bought out a solo album, which *cough cough* wasn't very good at all.

2. The Fall of Troy - This band formed when all the members were only 17 years old and managed to bring out 6 albums before breaking up last year. As is the case with most bands of their ilk, The Fall of Troy, never really hit it big until being featured in mainstream media, in this case the game Guitar Hero 3. Although the band bought out many singles each angrier than the last here is the slightly more mellow track that was chosen for Guitar Hero [official video had embedding disabled] .

3. The Streets - Technically this 'band' is still touring 'their' final album, but are officially no more. If you're wondering why I'm putting all the plural terms in inverted commas it's because The Streets has only had a single member writing and performing all 'their' tracks since 2002. Added points for coming from the same city as me.

4. Faithless - This band only broke up earlier this year so many fans are still reeling from the blow, that being said I find it a little saddening that a band as good as Faithless break up but Britney Spears is still making music. This track is one of my favorites but has a painfully long intro, consider that fair warning, but is filled with the lead's (perhaps the coolest man in the world) talking.

5. NWA - For this to work Dr. Dre would have to stop making headphones and Ice Cube would have to stop selling out, but there is no mistaking that NWA were pioneers of the 'gansta rap' genre and have hard earned their place on this list.When they formed the initial 6 members set out to reflect the rising anger in inner-city America's black youth, what they probably never saw coming was the masses of middle-class, white boys suddenly thinking they were 'gansta' because they owned a NWA album. You know who you are.

Still waiting on zombie Cobain to reform Nirvana.......

Funkier than Del the Funky Homosapien...

Well I'm back from my little sabbatical with no good news and still unemployed, so I might as well do something productive with my unemployment right?

If you answered 'yes' and/or 'hell yeah' to that then I appreciate your enthusiasm (possibly sarcasm) as I'll be writing a lot more blog posts [rants] in an attempt to occupy myself between job searching. On the flip side of that; if you answered 'no' and/or 'fuck this, I'm out' you're probably waaaay to pissed off at life to read this far into the post anyway.

TL;DR - I'm back, here's some nostalgia

Watch this Space

Sorry I haven't been able to post anything in a while but all my efforts so far have been put towards finding a new job after being laid off thanks to David Cameron's [See; Twat] massive cuts to the public sector.

I'll be back before you know it. Stay sexy,

                              - Obi-Wan

....Critical Hit (Aaaaaahhh), he'll save every one of us!

Well I finally got round to watching The Human Centipede last night, which even if I spent the next 1000 years writing with a 1000 poets I still could not form a review bad enough to really represent what I thought about that movie. That being said I now don't consider myself that weird in comparison to whatever was going through the head of the writer when he came up with that 'movie'.

Instead I think I'll do another top five. Yeah, I know I'm supposed to be reviewing stuff but you love it really.

Yet Another Top 5 Movie Soundtracks 

1. Flash Gordon - Now any soundtrack written and performed by the legendary Queen is going to make it on this list, especially when you consider that 'Flash' is one of the greatest movie themes and is almost guaranteed to out any nerds at a karaoke bar.

2. Gladiator - Now Hans Zimmer is a lot like John Williams in that his music sort of just works away subliminally in the back of the movie, but every now again something amazing breaks through and takes the movie to another level. The best example of this I could think of was 'Now We Are Free' from the movie Gladiator.

3. Trainspotting - I'm not usually a fan of Danny Boyle but there is no denying the quality of Trainspotting as a movie. For anybody who hasn't seen the movie it's about a bunch of Scots doing what Scots do best (heroin), since the release of this track I have heard at least fifty different remixes of this tune by Underworld so I'm going to put this in as well as my personal favorite from the movie; 'Lust for Life' by Iggy Pop (who has since taken to forcing car insurance on me).

4. Fight Club - Now any old followers will already know my opinions on perhaps the greatest movie ever made, but what I didn't mention was Fight Club's amazing soundtrack by The Dust Brothers. The only problem is that most of the tracks are really slow and don't really do the movie any justice on their own, so instead here is the closing track by The Pixies.

5. Sucker Punch - See I actually know some 'new' movies as [contrary to popular belief] I'm not stuck in the 90's. I know that this is the marmite of movies with some people loving it and some people hating it, but what can't be questioned is the soundtrack which manages to be both subtle and powerful. Oh, and this song's also about drug abuse so win/win?

.... maybe the Crow will make it next time?

... if a movie fell in the woods with nobody around, would it still have a soundtrack?

Blessing of Akatosh upon thee my sexy followers. I have always tried my hardest to give a fair [albiet cynical] point of view when reviewing any movies or games, however what I never seem to do is talk about a movie's soundtrack, which is arguably as important to setting a tone as all the visual cues.

That was my attempt at trying to justify not doing another proper review when in actual fact it's because I finally got round to buying Fight Night Champion and have spent all my free time playing that. On the other hand this will be much more fun than listening to me rant on about story structure. Enjoy:

Obi-Wan's Top Five Movie Sountracks

1. Reservoir Dogs - This is still in my opinion Tarantino's best movie, played in some part by the soundtrack (like most of his movies). Although this film is perhaps best known for Stealers Wheel's 'Stuck in the Middle with you', I'm embedding my favorite song by the George Baker Selection.


2. Lock, Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels - The Lock Stock director Guy Richie (like tarantino) is also known for handpicking the OST to his films, and although his films are very similar in many ways 'Lock Stock' just tips the scale for me. Of the massively eclectic mix of songs used in this movie I gone with the movie's opening track by Ocean Colour Scene, a band local to me.

3. Watchmen - The watchmen soundtrack brings together some of the best songs from the early 70's in an attempt to recreate the tense mood surrounding the United States during the Cold War. Although 'The Sound of Silence' by Simon and Garfunkel is my favorite track on the OST, I thought I'd instead drop a bit of the legendary Hendrix with his rendition of Bob Dylan's 'All Along the Watchtower'.

 4. Scott Pilgrim vs the World - Now anybody who has seen this movie will know how important the soundtrack was in setting the story, what I didn't know until researching this movie was that many of my favorite songs were written by Beck who I'm not really a big fan of. While I'm deciding whether or not I like the OST anymore you can listen to the official track 'We are Sex Bob-omb'.

5. American Pie - I'm not going to go as far as to pick an individual movie out of the three I actually recognise as American Pie movies given that they all use the same 'college-esk pop rock' music. The songs themselves aren't that good individually but they do remind me of a more innocent time in my youth, anyway here's 'Want You Bad' by The Offspring.

...I did have a load more so stay tuned for another five. worse than a Simpsons flashback episode

Well the last post was very undecided indeed, but I think the original just about won on the vote so I'm going back to that (for now). I'm still going to spend some time trying to think of a good way to improve my blog but until then check out some of these retro posts, they are my favorites and should go down well
          -Obi- wan 

My opinions on the world's most over-rated game.

A farewell to a beloved companion.

Are award shows any better in your country?

The title speaks for itself really.

Rinse, Repeat.

Fancy a change?

I've gotten kind of bored with having to look at my lay out over and over and over [repeat as necessary] again, so I thought I change it to something new and original. Thing is, when I changed it around I found that I'm scared of the unfamiliar and panicked, but I do actually have a point this time.

I want to know which do you think looks better?

New and Improved

Original Drawing

The Original

....or something new all together?

.... you laugh, you win?

I really did want to get back to writing reviews, but it's just so hard when I've not seen or played anything worth reviewing. I was going to continue with my retro movie reviews but got distracted again, saw some pretty butterflies and ended up watching all the Star Wars movies. What's my point you ask? Oh, there isn't one.

What is relevant though is that I am a man (physically not mentally) of my people and I had various requests for another [amazing] ''Top 5' post. Ask and you shall receive....

5 More Songs To Make You Smile

1.  Like A Boss - This isn't the most famous song by The Lonely Island, but it's my favorite. With an added bonus for all you stoners Seth Rogen fans. 

2.  How To Kill A Brand - An old one but still one of my all time favorites. ADVISORY:  NOT SUITABLE FOR PS3 FANBOYS.

3. The Mysterious Ticking Sound - It takes a while to kick in but is perhaps the weirdest song ever made. As if that wasn't enough, its sang by puppets!

4. Fuck Her Gently - I was spoilt for choice when I decided to put a Tenacious D song on the list with the likes of Tribute and Wonderboy, but I decided to go with this sound piece of advice instead (Google almighty wouldn't let me upload official video).

5. Bohemian Rhapsody (Muppets) - You name me one thing that can't be made more awesome with Muppets?.... Can't do it, can you!

...soon I'll be able to make a Top 5 of my Top 5s.

.... and they say I'm easily distrac-

Today I was stuck between either reviewing James Camerons's Sanctum 3D or Clint Eastwood's Hereafter, but decided not to. My reason for this?

Well, I read an article stating that in ten years time movies and games will cease to be physically released and will only be available digitally though YouTube and others like it, so I thought "why bother?", got distracted and decided to go a little of topic (as I often do), so at the risk of becoming 'another generic embedded video blog' I present to you:

My Top Five Songs That Make Me Smile

1. I'm on Crack - This band, The Left Rights, actually went and made an entire album, even though I've heard the song a million times I can't sit all the way through this video without at least [crack]ing a smile.

2. Let's Fighting Love - Any South Park fans will instantly know this song which is made even funnier with the actual lyrics. Any anime fans will also recognise the go to  [entirely Japanese with a few select English words] theme song used in almost every anime ever made.

3. I Like Dogs - This dude likes to tell people whats on his mind without sugarcoating it, and what on his mind right now you ask?... Two dogs is what.

4. Leo Strut - I spent three days walking around my office like this and singing this song, now nobody likes me.... totally worth it.

5. I'm Gary Oak - Fuck ash I'm Gary Oak Motherfucker! [nuff said]

...  Taisetsu Na Mono, Protect My Balls!

.... shunning political correctness since 1988

Well I'm back from my holiday, where have I been? Absolutely nowhere.

I've never understood people who take time off from their regular lives and only end up doing the same things they would have done anyway, so when I booked my two weeks off work to go on 'holiday' I only ever had one intention; doing fuck all for as long as I wanted. Whilst on my 'holiday' I stopped doing the following things:

  • Shaving and grooming of any other variety
  • Using the Internet (including blogging)
  • Traveling further than a two minute walk.
  • Cooking of any kind whatsoever
  • Masturbating (leaving my wife's ladybits very sore indeed)

Hell, I even tried being less cynical than I usually am but it's hard to remain positive when you've got your (usually lovely) wife breathing down your neck about having to make you beverages every twenty minutes and being 'sexually assaulted', like that somehow isn't what god intended. Either way I'll shall be catching up with all my sexy followers and their sexy blogs as of

"Let your women keep silent, for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but [they are commanded] to be under obedience, as also saith the law." -Corinthians 14:34 - 35*

Guess who's back?

My face has finally gone back to it's regular shape and colour (more or less) so I'm back. It would have been sooner but, whilst recovering, my laptop decided to stop working and my bike refused to work; but then you know what they say about bad things coming in three? I think I'm due a good thing.

I did try updating my blog through my [very old beat down] phone but I was half way through writing a blog post using only predictive text when I got a phone call, which immediately deleted my progress. It is at this point I vowed to never do it again. Now as I have a lot of catching up with my followers blogs to do, I will keep this short and sweet (keeping in mind that most of my week was spent trolling my facebook friends out of boredom using my phone).

My Week in Brief:

March 1st - Got into a big debate with feminists [lesbians] about how the EU have now made it illegal for women to be charged less car insurance purely because they are statistically better drivers. Typical women, only wanting 'equal rights' when it suits them.

March 2nd - I got to miss my team Aston Villa (soccer team for US followers) get battered by Man City in the FA Cup. Not because I thought they were going to lose, rather because I spent the best part of 2 hours at a outdoor train station during a  -4'c British winter night because of train drivers going on strike.

March 3rd - Spend all day talking to my mates about just how boring our foreign minister's voice is and how it was almost hypnotic listening to him talk about the situation in Libya. If you think you know somebody with a more boring voice then YouTube William Hague and listen to how wrong you are.

March 5th - Left the house with all the ambition of playing football (soccer) but instead spent all day with my mates getting drunk and playing Xbox. I then systematically went through everyone of my FB friends depressing statuses to let them know just how much they suck for using facebook as a means to spread their passive aggression an suicidal tendencies.

March 6th - Declared war on the word 'Chillax'; who decided that the hybrid word for relaxing and chilling should be 'chillaxing'? I wasn't consulted on this decision, I propose we flip it and instead use the word 'relilling'. Let us stand up my brothers and sisters to end the tyrannical reign of chillax!

March 7th - Went to a dentist appointment but woke up with some wicked morning breath. I tried to help out my dentist by spending the best part of an hour gargling mouthwash and got a little bit drunk and had minty farts all day. My wife also set up the blog 'In Words' out of boredom so you should check it out.
  ...and the winner for 'Best Response To Me Being Battered With A Knuckleduster" goes to:

Gouyixia, with " +5 ATK, +2 DEX".


[Watch This Space III]

Ever been hit with a knuckleduster? Well I have as of last night and I can't say I recommend it. After watching the Carling Cup Final last night my two mates and I went to a karaoke bar where, unbeknown to us, there were a bunch of pissed up Blues [Birmingham City] fans with knuckledusters looking for a fight to outnumber and batter some unarmed people with weapons.

In case any of my American followers were wondering the Carling Cup Final is a football [soccer] competition held at the countries biggest football [soccer] stadium which, as my English followers will know, gives every dickhead from all around the country the urge to fight. I'll be getting back to my to my normal posts once my head gets back to it's original size.

....and they wonder why we'll never host the World Cup.

.... the first rule is you do not talk about this review.

Onto my third classic and retro movie, a movie which is easily one of my favorites and is one of the greatest movies ever made. I know that cover the 'classic' part, and although the movie is considered quite modern it is now 12-years old making it (in my books) retro. Today I shall be reviewing the 1999 classic, Fight Club.

The movie stars an un-named Edward Norton as a lonely, bored insomniac who feels his life is pointless and lacks any real direction. After losing all of his possessions in a explosion at his apartment, Norton phones up his 'single-serving' soap salesman friend Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) for a drink. After getting rather philosophical at the bar about the true reason for living Norton and Pitt decide to fight each other, after a few bouts the duo start to have people want to join in with their fighting and thus start a 'Fight Club'

That description will have done the movie no justice whatsoever, but that is about as far as I can get into it without spoiling the movie for any body who hasn't seen it. What I can say is that this movie will make you think about what life means to you an by the time the credits role you will immediately realise why this movie is such a big deal. On top of this, the  movie has an almost unlimited potential for quotes with every other sentence being note worthy; a few example include:

"We're a generation of men raised by women, I'm wondering if another woman is really what we need?"
"I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect"
"If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?"
"Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted."
"I am Jack's complete lack of surprise"
"The first rule of Project Mayhem is that you don't ask questions, sir."

Like I said I'm really quite limited on what I can say without ruining the movie, so check it out yourself  and I won't have to worry about it.

...his name is Robert Paulson, his name is Robert Paulson,  his name is Robert Paulson....

.... it's not bad, it's just drawn that way

Day two of my classic retro movie reviews and I shall be reviewing one of the movies I used to watch every day when I was a kid, which was coincidentally released the same year I was born. Who Framed Roger Rabbit is one of the all time great movies and was one of the first movies to bridge the gap between the normal Hollywood movies of its day and the cartoons which were tremendously popular in the late eighty's.

The movie itself is based around a cartoon star, Roger Rabbit, who is accused of murdering one of L.A's most powerful men, Marvin Acme. It is at this point washed up detective, Eddie Valiant, works with Rodger to help clear his name although he does so reluctantly because a it was cartoon character killing his brother that caused his drinking problems and eventually bankruptcy.

For those few of you who haven't seen this movie must be wondering how you can take movie which such a bleak storyline and make one of history's greatest comedy. The answer is simple; just add some cutting edge (for the time) animation, a world class cast and as many cartoon references as you can.

This movie wouldn't have been anywhere near as good if it wasn't for Bob Hoskins and Christopher Lloyd, not to mention Charles Fleischer who manages to make Rodger Rabbit hilarious without having to rip-off any other well known cartoons. If you've already seen this movie I hope this review will tempt you into watching it again, and if you haven't seen this movie then this should be a the top of your list.

... don't worry, I won't judge you for perving on Jessica Rabbit.

... it's not a question of where, but when?

As my loyal (and sexy) followers will know today marks the start of my classic retro movie reviews, so you might wonder why I've chosen to review a movie that isn't old enough to be considered retro (1998) or good enough to be considered classic? 'Cus I can that's why, besides I fucking loved Lost in Space when it came out.

For those few of you that haven't seen this movie, the storyline is based around a now burnt-out and resource less Earth society who send a top scientist and his family on a ten year trip to the nearest habitable planet to supervise the construction of a 'hypergate'. As is usual in movies, this never went as planned because of 'terrorists' and they end up *drumroll* Lost in Space.

The key problem that irritated me in this movie (aside from the poor acting) is the apparent lack of any real drama. By this I mean that no matter what goes wrong they always have some sort of eccentric way round it, so when the peril comes about instead of getting all tense and exited (as with most movies) you just end up wondering what ridiculous plot hole they are going to use to counter the problem. Examples include:

Robot programmed to kill - Find handy remote for robot
On crash course with sun - Fly though sun at hyperspeed
Robot [without remote] programmed to kill - Use power of love
Family dies in space crash - Reverse time on that bitch

As a matter of fact one of the characters in this movie full on dies three times and is still alive when the credits role thanks to these plot holes. My wife also said that Lacey Chabert had an irritating voice and that she should hurry up and die, which she did [twice], but if a woman can increase her hotness from a four [click to see] to a straight up nine [click to see] in a only few years then she can do whatever she wants.

... but it does have a kick ass theme tune.'ll put hairs on your chest

I haven't had a chance to watch any new movies or play any new games on account of my hectic weekend, although I did see Burke and Hare at some point over the weekend but I wasn't really paying attention to it. Tonight I plan on having a retro film night with my wife so be prepared for some serious nostalgia in next review. Do any my sexy followers have any retro movie suggestions for me to add to the playlist?

Until then I'll just leave you with my favorite Robot Chicken sketch. Enjoy.

.... Yours Sincerely,  Dr. Trouser Snake

[Watch This Space II]

Sorry I haven't had chance to put a new post on either of my blogs or check out any of my followers as I had to go up up to the antenatal ward with my wife because our doctor sent us for an emergency ultrasound. Turns out everything is okay but it's better to be safe than sorry.

Will be getting back to my normal blogging self by the end of tonight, but until then I'll leave you with this track that I found on one of my old CD's which is still fucking awesome!

...born to fertilise!

.... and I didn't even prepare a speech

Award or Perfume?
I don't know about everybody else but I just find award shows to be the most tacky sickening thing on TV, especially when you add the likes of James 'The Fat Twat' Cordan [click the link]. I guess what I'm trying to say in my own special way is, did anybody else watch the BRIT awards?

Award shows are bad enough without having to invite Americans along to pretend they care that they've been nominated for a BRIT award. Now don't get me wrong I haven't jumped on the 'lets all hate America' bandwagon which seems to be very popular nowadays, but I just don't see why the likes of Rihanna and Justin Bieber would come all the way down here to see artists they've never even heard of get an award they only found out exsisted ten minutes ago.

The other thing that irritated me is that in an attempt to try and gather some British pride they got Dame Vivienne Westwood to design the award, which was a stupid idea really given that Vivienne Westwood is a designer of 'punk' clothing, resulting in an award that looks like a bottle of Geri Halliwell perfume.

What I can say about us British is that we know how to put on a show, even if you're not a fan of Plan B or Tinie Tempah you should watch the videos to the end just to see how over the top our award ceremonies are:

Plan B at the BRIT Awards '11

Tinie Tempah at the BRIT Awards '11

... God save The Queen?

.... saying NO to pop music since 1988

Well I've spent all day at my mother's with my little [in age not size due to her pasty addiction] sister telling me just how great T-Pain's new song is and how my music is just people screaming. This came as a surprise to me partly because my sister stopped eating something for long enough to form a coherent sentence, but mostly because in this day and age people still think that they can accurately predict what music somebody listens to based on their attire alone. It is for this reason I give you a follow up to my Top 5 Bands That Deserve To Be Massive Aren't with my:

Yet Another 5 Bands That Deserve To Massive But Aren't:

1. Rusko - Christopher Mercer is a DJ who goes by the name of 'Rusko' out of Leeds in England, when he first started in 2007 he stated that he was going to work away the 'darker side' of dubstep. Since then Rusko has remixed various singles and worked with artists such as Rihanna and even Britney Spears.

2. Enter Shikari - This band have had a lot of coverage locally but never really managed to make it mainstream. Enter Shikari have released 2 albums since forming in 2003 and even reached the number 16 in the UK album charts.

3. Kasabian - This band has been going for over twelve years and are currently working on their 4th album. As with Enter Shikari, Kasabian have been quite popular in the UK for some time but have never really made it anywhere else.

4. The Kills - The Kills are a hybrid American/British band with a female lead singer, since forming they have produced three albums and have had one of their songs feature on the official soundtrack for The Losers

5. The Rapture - Out of New York City, The Rapture have been making 'dance-punk' music for almost 13 years. I hadn't even heard of this band my self until one of their songs was chosen as the theme to perhaps the greatest television show ever made.

.... who the hell is T-pain anyway?

.... not suitable for low gravity ingestion

I'm fresh back from the cinema on the day of a movie's public release with a sparkling new review for you all. Of course given that it is Valentines Day I'm left with very little viewing choice, fortunately for me amongst the swarms of CGIs and 'A Little Bit of Heavens' there was one remaining shred of hope for those still amongst the living.

'Paul' is the new release from Universal Pictures and is based around the journey of two British sci-fi nerds around America's many 'extraterrestrial hotspots', however along the way events take a surprising turn when they pick up a smart-mouth stoner alien hitchhiker by the name of Paul. 

The movie stars my favorite comedy duo, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, who have ditched their 'family safe' jokes and have gone back to their glorious foul-mouthed nerdy roots which made them famous in Spaced. Voicing Paul is long time stoner and comedian, Seth Rogen, who has also ditched his 'Monsters vs Aliens' humor in lieu of a more 'Pinapple Express' take.

As well as the amazing line up, this movie is also steeped in classic nerd nostalgia and without giving away the story line I counted many references to Men in Black, Back to the Future, Alien, E.T, and Indiana Jones as well as many, many references to Star Wars .

This movie gets a great two thumbs up with a bonus thumb for all the retro Sci-Fi references and another bonus thumb for the casting; giving this movie an amazing never-before-seen FOUR THUMBS UP!

... somebody needs to help me, I don't even have four thumbs

[Insert Love/Money Here]

Latter on I shall be reviewing which ever movie I end up watching in the cinema after spending my hard earned money feeding the corparate machine. "You're not forever alone, Obiwan?" I know that it makes sense that I would be because of the sattire and general distain for human life, but what can I say, chicks dig bastards and I am most definately a bastard.

Until that time I'm going to give you my 'Love of Profit' article about the real valentines day from my other more-formal blog, and if you're feeling that down then you can at least look at this very pretty blog and pretend that somebody loves you....

Love of Profit
Why do we celebrate Valentines day? Every year on February 14th I tell all those close to me the real story behind Valentines day only to be told that I am a 'misery-arse' and that I need to 'cheer up'. This year is my first year with a blog so with this post I aim spread my message of hostility all over the world.

The Original Valentines Day:
Although Saint Valentine was a real person who lived during the 2nd century, Valentines day is not actually named for him. Instead 'Valentine' is a pseudonym for all unknown Christian martyrs used by Pope Gelasius in 496 in implementing a day to remember the fallen Christian soldier, so in reality when you're asking somebody to 'be your valentine' you are actually asking them to give their lives for a noble Christian cause. This is still well known in the Catholic church which is why in 1969 Pope Paul VI, appalled with the commericailisation of this historic day, ordered  the removal of Valentines day from the Christian Calender.

How it all went Wrong:
As I mentioned Valentines day was never about love, so how did it become so? Well the first recorded incident of  a Valentines day day as we know it today was during the English Renaissance, where world renown poet Geoffrey Chaucer wrote 'Parlement of Foules' which reads; "For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate".

Google's Valentine Logo
Valentines Day as We Know It:
Although Chaucer had wrote this poem, it was still only the upper class and social elite who were even aware of his work, so at what point did it become the Valentines day you and I celebrate? Well believe it all not Valentines day wasn't publicly known worldwide until the early 19th century. Valentines day only became  so popular after the boom of the UK's greeting card industry in the late 18th century and was created to fill gaps in profit between Christmas and Easter, a trend which quickly spread across Europe and to the US.

So there you have it, although the Romans first created Valentines day, it was an Englishmen who first made it about romance, and the British who made it about profit. Every year the profit form Valentines day trade increases with last year totaling £1.3 in the UK alone, with traditional cards going out of fashion in lieu of bigger more expensive gifts (mostly perfume or jewelry).

-Profiteering or innovation at it's best?
-Who is to blame? The companies or the suckers who are willing to pay?

...if ingested seek a mortician.

Back to another movie review because I still haven't played a game good or bad enough to merit a review since the last one. I thought I'd continue along the same lines of my last review with a movie steeped in violence, gore and stupid people who love getting cut up. So I present to you The Collector, which is about a thief who attempts to rob a valuable jewel from a booby trapped house when he thinks all the residents are out, so basically Home Alone.

"Home Alone? Hold on, Obiwan. You said it was steeped in violence and gore.". Well actually I said it was 'basically' Home Alone, unlike Home Alone these traps are a little less 'paint tin to the crotch' and a little more 'guilitine to the face'.

The violence in this movie isn't even specific to humans, as there is even a part where a CAT gets it's legs melted off with acid then cut in half. This violence even surpasses any attempt at logic come the scene when somebody gets a hole cut into their stomach just so 'The Collector' can force a jar full of cockroaches into their intestines.

Do Watch This Movie:
- If you enjoy enjoy violence
- Thought Home Alone needed a little more gore
- Consider storyline to be optional in a movie.

Do Not Watch This Movie:
- If you have a soul.

...  at least hell is warm and all my friends will be there.

.... but may cause impotance

It was suggested to me that I review some 'New Music', the only problem with that is [as you may have guessed] have a very specific taste in music. This taste is not a for a particular age of music or even a particular genre, my problem is that I am in rare in only liking good unique music as opposed to the 'songs' forced on me by mainstream media, yes I'm talking to you Gaga!

I thought the obvious solution to this would be to just review some bands that I like, but to save me just listing various anime theme-songs and all the SoaD tracks off my ipod I thought I'd stir things up a bit. So here a my: 

Top 5 Bands Which Deserve To Be Massive But Aren't:

1. Metronomy - This band have been around for over twelve years and have worked with the like of Gorillaz, Klaxons, Franz Ferdinand and Goldfrapp. Even with over 3 unique albums and over 20 remixes the word Metronomy only seems to cause confusion when uttered.

2. Be Your Own Pet - BYOP is a girl fronted punk band out of Nashville, Tennessee although they were first signed under a British record label. Unfortunately this band split up after their final tour of England in 2008, but lead singer Jemima Pearl released her solo album 'Break it up' the following year.

 3. Hadouken - This band make 'New Rave' music under their own record label 'Surface Noise Records' and have released 2 albums since forming in 2006 with a third on it's way shortly. This band deserves an extra bit of respect as New Rave is hard to pull of without it sounding like noise.

4. Magnetic Man - I was unsure about putting Magnetic Man in as they alrady have a very strong fan base, so even though their success has been minimal they have already completed a sell out UK tour. Although small right now I'm sure Magnetic Man will be massive.


5. Crystal Castles - This band is a Canadian electronic band and was one among many bands that took off during the MySpace phenomenom in the early 21st century. Since then Crystal Castles have become known for their 'chaotic' live shows and have thus earned some well deserved acclaim in the British indie culture.

Breifly I should mention that Gallows were going to make this list until researching them I found that they have in fact become massive across the Atlantic. I'm still embedding the video though because I love the lyrics to this song [Parental Advisory: May Not Be Suitable For Minors] 

.... you can go back to Gaga now.

.... as seen on the interwebs.

The intention for this post was to review Paranormal Activity II in my usual satirical way, however in order for me to be able to do this I would actually have to watch more than fifteen [painfully boring] minutes of Paranormal Craptivity II. Unfortunately I lack the masochistic tendencies required to do this, so instead I shall be reviewing I Spit on Your Grave.

'I Spit on Your Grave' is a movie which is exactly as nice as it sounds and for those of you unfamiliar with 70's Grindhouse thrillers (those of you with lives),  it is a remake of a 1978 movie by the same name where a sexy woman (for whatever reason) decides it would be a good idea to go and live alone in the middle of the forest packing only sexually provocative clothing and a lifetime supply of wine. Now back in the 70's mainstream violent movies like this were rare which is why it was banned from public release, but now we're in the twenty first century and I think the producers are fed up of watching [for lack of a better word] 'movies' like Saw and Hostel and decided to show them how rape and torture should be done.

The remake has lost a lot of it's Grindhouse feel but it still obeys the same go-to grindhouse story line:

1. Men fuck with Woman's head.
2. Men rape Woman
3. Men leave Woman for dead.
4. Woman not really dead.
5. Woman fucks with Men's heads.
6. Woman tortures Men.
7. Woman leaves Men for dead.
8. Men are really dead.

Would have shouted spoiler alert but I don't pretend to live in a society which is going to watch this film for it's 'storyline', you're are going to watch it for the rape and torture scenes just like I did.

It's hard to watch movies from on top of a pedestal anyway....